Why We Fall for the Unavailable.
Why would we ever fall for an unavailable person? Why would we even pursue something complicated? The answer is, it doesn’t matter to the heart. When we are ignored, or worse, intimidated by someone, it increases our desire for their approval. It is human nature. Unavailable people can be people you go on a month of great dates with and then mysteriously never hear from again. Or people you get romantic texts from, yet they don’t ask you out. They’re the ones you date for eight exciting months, yet they have an excuse to not celebrate your birthday or to forget about Valentine’s Day.
Unavailable people can be our best friends, parents, lovers, spouses, or bosses. They can be the parent who never says, “I love you,” or the boss who doesn’t praise your hard work. If anything, they are consistent in their inconsistency.
The truth is, unavailable people are not the true constant. The true constant is – us. The problem is in us. We let them have this effect on us. The common denominator is that we choose the people we get attracted to, based on who we are and how we are.
We unknowingly let them become our emotional magicians, in the absence of clarity or follow through. They can leave us wanting more, more intrigued, without stopping to question why we want their good favor. Worse, the juggling act and roller-coaster of not knowing where you stand can riddle you with self-doubt and insecurity. A lot of “why” questions keep you constantly thinking about them.
However, relationship professionals suspect it has nothing to do with who we are now or our first crush. Often, going back further, a natural affinity for emotionally unavailable people is established very early in our lives. It likely has to do with our connection to adults in our formative years. One of my friends fell in love with her now husband because he wouldn’t praise her beauty. It took him six months to call her beautiful. This made her feel like she had achieved something that other women would not have the stamina to get.
Falling for unavailable people is not necessarily a weakness, flaw or defect. It’s not about what our friends think on our behalf, it’s about honoring our own needs. I look at it as a tool. Every day, we have a chance to ask if our choices are serving our highest good. It’s also on a spectrum—what serves us at age 20, might not in 10 or 15 years.
For me, I like my people a little on the unavailable side and I can handle it. I appreciate the occasional mystery, but I know where to stop. As long as I’m treated with love and respect, I find some emotional space freeing. However, this wouldn’t work for everyone. If, conversely, the people I am attached to bring me pain or emotional unease, I do not take a lot of thought in cutting them loose. In doing so, I send a signal out in the universe that I have my sight on something happier or healthier. So, a balance and understanding of your own self plays an important role in longing for the unavailable. Give yourself a chance to find out what fits and works for you.
The claim that unrequited love, or any form of love cannot be examined is different from the claim that love should not be subject to examination-that it should be left out of a dutiful respect for its mysteriousness, its awesome, divine, or romantic nature and put or left beyond the mind’s reach. But if it is agreed that there is such a thing as “love” conceptually speaking, when people present statements concerning love, or admonitions such as “she should show more love,” then a philosophical examination seems appropriate: is it synonymous with certain patterns of behavior, of inflections in the voice or manner, or by the apparent pursuit and protection of a particular value?
We all deserve boundless, ceaseless love. It does not matter how, when, where. We deserve happiness—not the kind that sounds good on paper, but the kind we feel from head to toe! Do not let yourself follow the unavailable. Get out, find love that is reciprocated and fulfilling.