Outdated Unrequited Love.
Most of us experience the pangs of unreturned affection at some point in our lives. But for some folks, unrequited love becomes obsessive; they come to feel that they can become complete and fulfilled only through union with the object of their longings. The danger is that they come to feel so without that union, their life loses all meaning. And when meaning drains from life, they become depressed. The concept of unrequited love may sound out of date. But, as evidenced by the huge number of people searching the term online, human concerns haven’t really changed all that much since good old Will Shakespeare purportedly wrote “Love is the most beautiful of dreams and the worst of nightmares.”
Unrequited love is seriously distracting! A lover’s thoughts continually turn to the beloved; every song reminds them of just one person. They fantasize about togetherness. Sometimes waking up dreaming about the object of love. It’s an ache that literally hurts. In the hours and days after seeing their beloved, the unrequited lovers can’t eat, sleep, or concentrate on work! Most of the times it’s not just infatuation; it’s real love!
As discussed in my post Dating after Unrequited Love, the idea of all the pain and suffering of a breakup all over again if the next relationship doesn’t work, is truly terrifying. However, to make your future relationships more relaxed and successful, face your fears about intimacy and relationships. Identifying the source of your fear can help you realize if your fear is rational, which can help you know where to start in overcoming your fear. Ask yourself what you are afraid of. Do you fear abandonment, disappointment, failure, lack of control or loving somebody else? Pinpoint the root of your fear and give it a name.
Live in the Present
Dating is supposed to be about having fun and enjoying yourself. Don’t ruin the fun by stressing about the future. When someone asks you out on a date, consider it a casual night out rather than immediately thinking about the future or the things it can lead to. During a date, stay focused on the moment and the conversation. Avoid letting your mind wander to over-analyzing your date or wondering if this is a failed relationship in the making. Your date will also appreciate you more if you are relaxed and engaged throughout the night.
Take It Slow
Make sure you give yourself enough time to get back on your feet after a failed relationship. Regardless of what other people tell you, you don’t have to pressure yourself to get into a new relationship. Like with any other fear or phobia, you need to face your fear of intimacy slowly. Start out by getting to know potential love interests as friends. Once you start feeling comfortable, you can slowly ease into more formal dating. Eventually finding someone that you really like who makes you feel comfortable will make starting a new relationship seem less scary and impossible and it will help you focus on the positives of your relationship rather than potential problems down the road.
Forgive
We can be more tough to ourselves than we are to others. We keep blaming ourselves for being stupid in believing (even half-heartedly) that he loves us too. Not only does it make the recovery slower, it also makes us stuck in that feeling. We’re unable to move on because of the immeasurable pain and the pity parties we throw for ourselves whenever we remember that moment of rejection. Learn to not blame yourself. All you have is ‘you’, so love yourself and let yourself make mistakes – you are not perfect, nobody is. Love cannot be forced. If the person you love has already told you that they don’t love you, accept their decision gracefully. Never try to convince them otherwise. Never fool yourself into believing that they are still to realise the feeling. You are preparing for a big disappointment if you do.
So to all lovelorn lovers in unrequited love out there, courage! You are not alone. It happens to almost everyone. You will soon recover from the damage it has caused to your heart and soul and find the ‘actual’ love of your life (or be found by him) when it’s your turn!