Dating After Unrequited Love.

Unrequited lovers end up doing things that cannot be considered sensible in any way, after facing rejection, the most difficult part of unrequited love. As discussed previously, psychologists have found that rejection only makes lovers worse. If it does not make them worse, it leaves them unaffected, at best. But it has never been found to bring any positive changes in anyone. Unrequited lovers face a substantial drop in intellectual performance after rejection. In other words, while automatic information processing of rejected lovers is relatively unaffected, they seem poor at controlled mental processes. Thus, rejection mainly impairs intellectual performance.

Worse than rejection, the wounds of a failed relationship can leave you scared and ambivalent about dating again. The idea of all the pain and suffering of a breakup all over again if the next relationship doesn’t work, is truly terrifying. However, to make your future relationships more relaxed and successful, face your fears about intimacy and relationships.

In the hundreds of articles that I have written about unrequited love, rejection and broken relationships, I might have thus far painted a mainly dismal picture of the impact of rejection. So, today I thought of adding a more optimistic note. Unfortunately, it is true that social exclusion contributes to a broad range of maladaptive, pathological and antisocial patterns. But if the rejection experience is followed by an apparent opportunity to make a new friend, then rejected people seem extra willing to exert themselves to respond positively. Previously excluded people have been found to be more likely to shower the new partner with compliments and gifts, more co-operative than others and are quick at self-regulating, under promising circumstances. They view others as potentially friendly, as being accepted socially is what they have been looking for all along.

While it is certainly difficult for someone who has been rejected, I would suggest you should try harder than others to secure acceptance. It’s not that simple, and in many cases rejection makes people suspicious, hostile and antisocial. However, if the need to belong is a basic and powerful motivation, then when it is thwarted, people should try extra hard to find new ways to fulfil it. When a reassuringly safe prospect of forming a new bond does present itself, even if you were recently excluded, move beyond that experience and show willingness and even eagerness to take it. Here are a few tips to help:

Identify Behavior

Your unconscious behaviour is a proof of the underlying fears, when they have found their way into your relationships. You often sabotage your relationships without realizing it because you are afraid of intimacy. Your guarded behaviour often discourages potential love matches, when you have a hard time trusting people. So, I want you to look at you behaviour. See if you are constantly doubting people’s honesty or if you push people away when they try to get physically close. Some people mask their fear of intimacy by engaging in casual relationships that are only about the sex or having fun without allowing them to become too serious. The key is to become conscious of your behavior, so you can work on negating the negative ones and encouraging the positive ones.

Address Your Fears

Individuals with insecure attachments perceive social interactions with potential partners as threatening, while those with secure attachments perceived them as rewarding. I would suggest such unrequited lovers to examine their feelings honestly. For example, your friendship is most likely to be unhealthy for both of you if you are spending too much time thinking about your friend as a potential romantic partner even after s/he has told you they don’t feel the same way. It is time to distance yourself and move on. On the other hand, fear often leads you to see things differently from what they really are. It is important to identify where the feeling is coming from, if you’re feeling ambivalent or scared of starting a new relationship. Identifying the source can help you realize if your fear is rational, which can help you know where to start in overcoming your fear. Ask yourself what you are afraid of. Do you fear abandonment, disappointment, failure, lack of control or loving somebody else? Pinpoint the root of your fear and give it a name.

In my next post, I am going to discuss some more ways for unrequited lovers to move beyond a bad experience. So, do keep checking back!