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Unrequited Love and Longing

Unrequited Love and Longing.

Much of Hollywood films are predicated on the theme that the story ends when the relationship begins. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work this way in real life. So, for 90 minutes, we watch characters chasing each other, missing, meeting, then missing again. Our longing grows with their longing, both literally and emotionally, until, at last, they find each other and live happily ever after.

As a result of this programming, we start equating love with longing, leading most of us to believe that true love is all about longing for a partner who isn’t fully available. Hollywood has a movie on all of us. From the time we’re old enough to understand love, we see it as a shimmery cloud of fantasy. We long. We chase. And then we think we’re in love.

The problem is not in fantasizing. Problems arise when fantasy and reality become blurred. When we unconsciously start absorbing the unrealistic messages of longing – the knight in shining armour, he will come along one day, and when he comes, your heart will know etc. etc. Movies after movies and books after books reinforcing the damaging message of longing.

The thoughts and beliefs you entertain affect your emotions, actions, and the decisions. But, only you can change the way you think and the way you view your experiences. Empowerment of self is based on free will, but unrequited love robs your freedom and makes you a ‘victim’ to someone else’s choices. In essence, it dis-empowers you! When we have had enough of longing and unrequited love, we start wondering why our culture is so dysfunctional when it comes to love. The answer is – love is not longing. Love is meant to be fulfilling.

As previously mentioned, most of us have experienced unrequited love to some degree, but sometimes it can become a pattern that indicates a much bigger or more basic issue. Ask yourself- “why am I always attracted to ‘unavailable’ people?”, “why do I find myself a ‘victim’ of one way love over and over?”, “what is stopping me from engaging in a balanced, healthy, reciprocal relationship?” If you have asked these questions, or others like these to yourself, then maybe it is time for some self-exploration and eventually self-empowerment, so you can change your perception and actions. The first point to understand here is a key dynamic that afflicts our culture: The Pursuer-Distancer Dynamic.

In most of the relationships that we see around us, one person is following and the other is rejecting. The one who is following is the one madly in love. He wants to be heard, to be understood and to be loved back. However, the other person, or the distancer or rejecter is forever doubtful. There is lack of love feelings in them and they are often the one erecting walls and barriers of various kinds. So, when I am discussing loneliness with my friends in unrequited love, and they say, “I was so in love with my last partner, I don’t have any doubt at all,” I immediately know that they were the pursuer and not the distancer. When asked, they invariably respond, with the same answer – they were the pursuer. The partner was never fully available and they always had the sense that there was one foot out the door.

Some also confess that they feel excited only about someone who is not available. Once the chase is over and they know that the partner isn’t going anywhere, the butterflies fly away and boredom sets in. Next, you’ll probably want to know what to actually do, to overcome your undesirable tendency to engage in unrequited love, right? Well, that’s where my next article on unrequited love comes in. Next I am going to come up with my ultimate advice about dealing with one-way love!!

If you have been following my previous articles, by now you should have a good understanding of the fundamentals of unrequited love and associated psychology. It might be wise to re-read those articles, or bookmark them to grab back whenever you encounter a subject that I have written about!

Got something to share? Please write your experiences in the comments section and i will add them to my future articles.

And, know that healthier possibilities are waiting for you just around the corner.


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