Unrequited Love and Imagination.
If we view too much of life through a competitive lens, we come to treat everything like a tussle, a chance to score points and get ahead. As discussed in my blog Unrequited Love-Common Mistakes, trying to make someone want you more by acting ‘standoffish’, ignoring them, or trying to make them jealous is, of course, all about manipulation. If a relationship starts off on a basis of game playing, don’t expect any winners long-term. For example, when you’re in unrequited love, your beloved is most likely an expert at blame game and will often make you feel awful for things you have no reason to stress over, such as getting passionate, or expecting to discuss something that has been on your mind. Yes, love is intended to bring joy into each other’s lives, yet that doesn’t mean your partner isn’t in charge of consoling you when you feel down.
Don’t act insecure, this is another common mistakes that unrequited lovers make. I’ve written a whole piece on this, so I’ll be brief. Give your new dating partner or beloved some space. Even if you feel insecure, acting too insecure too soon can switch off the relationship before it starts. Resist the temptation to be constantly checking where they are and what they are doing, thinking and feeling. If you really like them, it’s natural to be thinking about them a lot; but remember they had their own life before you came along and they still have that life.
To avoid appearing clingy and possessive, acknowledge to yourself that it’s natural to feel worried that you might accidently break something you feel is precious, especially in the early stages; but remember that a flower seed, once planted, needs to be left a bit rather than constantly picked and scratched at.
Ditch perfectionism; this is another way to find someone to love you, rather than always falling for someone who ‘appears’ perfect and never loves you back. Fairy tales in real life may not look like fairy tales as presented by Mr Disney. Prince Charming may have a crooked nose, and your princess may have pigeon toes. What am I trying to say? Being so fussy that you miss genuine relationship opportunities is a silly thing to do. I talked above about being too desperate, but it can work the other way. Expecting people to be perfect, then getting mad when their behaviour doesn’t exactly accord with your imagination of how they should be, is unfair and wrong. Just think for a moment how wonderful it’s going to feel when you no longer have to be obsessed about that person. How you’ll be able to choose whether to think about them or not. And when you do, you are able to feel calm and detached, putting it down to part of life’s rich tapestry of experience. As discussed in my blog Perspective and Unrequited Love, in instances of obsession, the unrequited lover tries to control or maintain a strategic distance from the thoughts and images of the beloved and looks for possible distractors to maintain balance, though this relief is short-lived. However, the term ‘love obsession’ generally includes both addiction and obsession. Just imagine how good it’s going to be when you find someone who knows how to love you as you love them!
If people don’t live up to your self-made image of them, is that their fault? If you have too-tight parameters for how your love should be before you meet him or her, then you may be positioning yourself out of the market. Sure, there are things we all prefer, but some people are so specific- He must have green eyes (and two of them!), he must wear designer jackets, he must have a body of a Greek god, the mind of Albert Schweitzer, and the car of a London financier!
I kid you not; some people (usually younger people) cut off their own options to this extent. They often defend this with not wanting to accept anything ‘less’. But this misses the point that, so often, something can seem to have all the right ‘parts’, but when those parts are put together, you find they don’t really work as well as expected.
Open your mind to the possibility that you could be mistaken in assuming you can only have a relationship with a person who fits exactly what you have imagined. And remember that you are having a relationship with a real-life person, not a phantasm of your own making.
Please share your experiences and I will add them to my future blogs.