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The Flaws of Unrequited Love

The Flaws of Unrequited Love.

When we are able to give our love freely, when just to love someone feels like appreciation of self, without any strings attached; that is the state of loving detachment. It is very important for unrequited lovers to understand this form of love, because if you are able to love with detachment, the one-way love will not have as much negative impact on you. If you are able to love the unavailable object like we love the beauty of the setting sun, knowing that this beauty belongs to nature and we can only watch it, and let it have the calming effect on, without expecting anything else, then unrequited love does not encumber you. It does not pull energy from you. It simply Loves.

To hope is to risk pain. To love is to risk not being loved in return. To try is to risk failure. While all of us are aware of this, the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing, therefore risk must be taken. This is applicable even in relationships. Everyone has fallen in love at least once in life, so all of know the pain of love. However, there is one more pain associated with loving someone and that is the pain of rejection; the pain of not being loved in return.

While we cannot completely understand love, but we can always find ways to create closeness. What can generate closeness between people and what cannot, is a matter of common understanding, but the same cannot be said about love or about unrequited love. Given the right circumstances, love certainly reduces loneliness. But in unfavourable conditions like unrequited or one-way love, it also increases loneliness.

Unrequited love hurts. I know – that’s an understatement. Rejection is incredibly painful. But there are emotions we need to feel before we learn lessons we need to learn – falling in love with the wrong person is one of them. You open your most vulnerable self to another person and, more often than not, you expect your feeling to be reciprocated by the object of your love. But it’s turns out to be wrong. So to all lovelorn lovers in unrequited love out there, courage! You are not alone. It happens to almost everyone. You will soon recover from the damage it has caused to your heart and soul and find the ‘actual’ love of your life (or be found by him) when it’s your turn!

The way we behave, feel, think and act are deeply linked to the goal of connecting us to the cultural system. In that way, rejection or social exclusion is not simply a misfortune. Nor is it just a sad drama. It strikes at the core of what our psyche is designed for. Social exclusion or rejection thwarts the need to belong. It causes emotional distress, and wreaks havoc in the person’s life. This is why, when your loved one walks away like there was nothing between the two of you, the chemical reactions that go on inside the unrequited lover’s body are similar to the loss of a loved one. I have written about this in detail in my blog Addicted to Grief. You feel inconsolably hurt, broken and shattered. Although emotional pain is different from physical pain, a break-up or rejection literally crushes your heart in a way that you feel it breaking inside your chest like it was physically happening.

You could fall in love with someone who’s not available. You could love someone passionately for a short period of time and then watch the relationship fizzle for reasons you don’t fully understand. You could fall in love with someone who’s completely inappropriate for you. You could love someone who doesn’t love you back. So, the majestic, heightened state of love also has a flip side, and we are all familiar with it: Love is volatile.

What to do if you’re chronically pursuing a mate who is obviously flawed to the extent that relationships will be painful and doomed? The least you can do is to admit this to yourself and not be surprised when such relationships ‘always go wrong’. Knowing your patterns is the first step to changing them.

I hope my article helps you in understanding unrequited love better. Want to talk? Please leave your comments to share more experiences in the message section!

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