It is Hard to Handle Rejection.

The first throes of rejection in unrequited love can get depressing and difficult to get through. Scholars have noticed that excluded or rejected lovers are more likely to cheat. They are less likely to help others in many ways – donating money, cooperating or even just bending over to help pick up something from the floor. Yes, this is true. Unrequited love can affect you in unimaginable ways!

As discussed in my article Studying Rejection in Unrequited Love, unrequited lovers procrastinated more. They make more unhealthy choices, such as becoming smokers or alcoholics. Rejection may also lead to depression in the unrequited lover. Does rejection really make people selfish? In some ways, but not others. Rejection leads to significant increase in self-defeating behaviours. This combination presents a puzzle. Why would rejected lovers become both selfish and self-defeating? Self-interest is clearly not a full explanation. However, this gives us a cue to look at self-regulation as a crucial inner process that will help lovers overcome selfish, antisocial impulses. It also helps prevent self-defeating behaviour resulting from impulsively taking short-term gains that lead to bigger losses later. Rejected lovers are more likely to take foolish risks instead of playing it safe. This implies that a person probably starts loving himself less after being rejected in love.

It is natural to feel angry and hurt after rejection. It feels like your personality is draining away along with your sense of humor. Your life is rushing by. You are sure you’ll never be happy again or find someone else to love. You have deep, dark circles under your eyes. You are boring all your friends and family with sad stories of unrequited love. You float in the in-between world of denial. You trudge instead of walk; you sob instead of cry, you bellow instead of talk. Time is slipping away. You go back and forth between trying to accept it and denying that it’s true. Hoping that something will change. This is a phase. This is temporary. I’ll just sit here and wait for my love to smarten up and see the light. That is what I will do.

However, this is not all. There is another part of you that feels the need to do something, but, unfortunately, at this stage, most unrequited lovers are not sure what. You know you can’t just sit there. Your mind refuses to shut off, and the many options play out in your head.

Here is a quick way to know if you are facing the aftereffects of rejection. See if these thoughts resonate with yours:

• Don’t you miss me?
• I will change things.
• I will call or text.
• I’ll “accidentally” text my ex and make it seem like I was texting a new love interest. Then I’ll apologize. Yea, that sounds right!
• We belong together!
• We will get into a big emotional conversation and I will be very persuasive as to how this is all wrong.
• Wait! I’ll hint that there is someone else. I’ll make up a Facebook person and have that person make flirty comments on my page!
• No, I will go out and take a bunch of selfies of me doing fun things and post on social media so s/he knows I am having a great time without!
• This will win them back!
• No, hold on. I may be losing my mind because, texting is better.
• Wait, no, yes, no

When you strive to think of something crazy, sane and in-between, that will cause a massive reboot of your ex’s mind and put the relationship back together, you are suffering with the aftereffects of rejection. Just know that!

Step back. Before you do anything at all, breathe and take a seat. If they can’t figure it out on their own. Coming up with the smartest phrases and persuasive arguments isn’t going to help. You don’t want to have to babysit someone’s brain. This brainwashing, or planning to get them back might pin them down for a while. You may even get back together, but would you be able to forget all the plotting, strategizing that you went through just to make them believe? There is a chance that they are going to drift back to a breakup mindset. Do you want to take it?

I am going to discuss more about this in my next post. Keep checking back!