Pursuing Unrequited Love.
For centuries, cinema has been perpetuating the stories that we have been listening to. Narrative arts and romantic films are inspirational. We start dreaming about and expecting to go through the same conflicting emotions that we watch in movies and hope that our lives will become as transcendental as in the cinema. This is sometimes referred to as the “Hollywood factor” in that you have created the perfect person of your dreams and believe that you are saving all your love for this fantasy. I have discussed this in detail in my blog Why Unrequited Love – Possibilities.
While we are discussing the possible reasons why unrequited love happens, I am reminded of the effect of random traumatic experiences that an individual might have had in the past. It is possible that you keep returning to unreciprocated love relationships due to an experience that had a negative effect on your self-esteem or made you feel hesitant and unsafe receiving love. These situations could vary depending on the person but would include such things as a death, betrayal, or an abusive relationship. For example, lot of us resort to sarcasm when we are hurt. While this is natural human behaviour, if you find your partner complaining about your hurtful teasing, consider this an alarm. Unrequited lovers often feel hurt for things that the partner doesn’t even intend to do. They derive (mostly unreasonable) inferences from actions of their partner. When they are not able to handle the rejection, they start emotional abuse, by being sarcastic or through hurtful teasing. We all know that sometimes what we are trying to say as a joke doesn’t come out that way, but if you have often had to tell you partner “it wasn’t meant to be personal”, you are certainly using a poor excuse. You are only (maybe subconsciously) trying to control the partner by showing them down; first for misunderstanding you and for the wrong reaction.
On the other hand, it is also possible that you have faced similar behaviour from your partner in a past relationship, and that behaviour has had a negative effect on your self-esteem or made you feel hesitant and unsafe receiving love.
“The chase is always better than the catch”. This brings me to the next reason for some of us constantly finding ourselves in unrequited love – you’re caught up in the thrill of the chase.
Do you enjoy the excitement of pursuing something you cannot have? For some people, this is the incentive, and once they achieve their goal, they no longer want what they were pursuing. In this case, you will consistently be attracted to the prospect of unrequited love and lose interest when, or if, this love is ever returned. This is also a defence mechanism and may be an indication that you have a fear of commitment or intimacy.
As discussed in my blog More About Limerence, based on the fantasies and imagination, the limerent is mostly sure the love object (LO) loves them back. However, when they return to their senses and see the actual world and its happenings, it sows seeds of self-doubt, from what they had imagined as well as from what is actually happening. This leaves them heart-broken and constantly nervous in the presence of LO and even in other matters of life that demand confidence and emotional strength. What actually destroys the limerent is the extended period of confusion about their place in the LO’s life. Though absence makes the heart grow fonder, uncertainty makes them uncomfortable, which usually is a result of doubt about the LO’s feelings.
Did any of these basic, underlying reasons seem to be true – or partly true – in your case? If so, then you are already on the path of healing, for the mere awareness of your problem and the underlying causes for it, is liberating. Next, you’ll probably want to know what to actually do, to overcome your undesirable tendency to engage in unrequited love, right? Well, that’s where my next article on unrequited love comes in. Next I am going to come up with my ultimate advice about dealing with one-way love!!
If you have been following my previous articles, by now you should have a good understanding of the fundamentals of unrequited love and associated psychology. It might be wise to re-read those articles, or bookmark them to grab back whenever you encounter a subject that I have written about!
Got something to share? Please write your experiences in the comments section and i will add them to my future blogs.