Unrequited Love – The Disinterested Lover.
If you were honest with yourself in unrequited love, you would have to admit that loving someone who doesn’t love you in return is not an enjoyable way to live your life. There is no future in it. And, even though you may desire the object of your affection, you don’t want to be trapped in a painful situation. Right? Right. So, for your own health, happiness, and personal growth, as I have discussed in my blog Moving Beyond Unrequited Love, you need to learn to control your own thoughts, beliefs, feelings and emotions rather than letting them control you.
The thoughts and beliefs you entertain affect your emotions, actions, and the decisions. But, only you can change the way you think and the way you view your experiences. Empowerment of self is based on free will, but unrequited love robs your freedom and makes you a ‘victim’ to someone else’s choices. In essence, it dis-empowers you! As previously mentioned, most of us have experienced unrequited love to some degree, but sometimes it can become a pattern that indicates a much bigger or more basic issue. Ask yourself- “why am I always attracted to ‘unavailable’ people?”, “why do I find myself a ‘victim’ of one way love over and over?”, “what is stopping me from engaging in a balanced, healthy, reciprocal relationship?” If you have asked these questions, or others like these to yourself, then maybe it is time for some self-exploration and eventually self-empowerment, so you can change your perception and actions. Healthier possibilities are waiting for you just around the corner.
By employing certain strategies or self-improvement, you will be able to choose how you respond to unrequited love and transform your negative feelings into positive experiences.
Moving Beyond Unrequited Love
I had promised to come back with a new article on some basic, practical steps that you can take to get over and move beyond one-way love. So here I am. Ready?
Accept the Fact – Acceptance is the first step to moving on. Accept that your love is unreturned and is probably going to remain so. Admit that the other person does not have similar feelings for you. You cannot move on if you are wasting your time pining away for someone who will never return your feelings. You must realize it is time to cut your losses. Clinging to unfounded hope or convincing yourself that they will one day change their mind is counterproductive to your personal development and indeed to your happiness. As I have written in my blog Significant Separations and Unrequited Love, it is important to recognise when a stage of life, a job, a relationship is over and let go. It requires leaving what’s over, without denying its validity or its importance in our past lives. Learn to gracefully and gratefully exit from a chapter of life that is over without prolonging and stretching something that has lived its life. This involves a belief that every exit is followed by an entry, a sense of future, a belief that we are moving on, and not moving out. Consider it as retiring well to live well.
Understand – Understanding yourself and the other person is another way to help yourself feel better and move on. Examine the patterns of your life. As discussed above, check if you are constantly desiring someone who is unavailable, as a way of gaining the love and approval you did not receive from your parents. Have you developed certain defence mechanisms in response to an unhealthy relationship in the past?
Check yourself. Ask those who know you best if they see such patterns in you. Learn. Get wise. Change begins with you, and only you can break these destructive patterns in your life. If you are a ‘victim’ of unrequited love, you will often find yourself saying things like “I don’t understand why they don’t feel the same way” or “why can’t they see that we were meant to be together.” The truth is, romantic interests cannot be forced. Trying to understand why a person cannot reciprocate your feelings may make it easier for you to accept the situation and help you avoid making the same mistake again.
Remember that you may never know why it is the way it is, and that’s okay too, because you don’t need to know what is going on with them. Your challenge actually rests entirely within yourself.
None the less, in my next blog, I am going to discuss some possible reasons why the other person might be disinterested or unable to return your love. Please share your experiences and I will add them to my future blogs.