Equilibrium.
Have you ever seen couples who appear to be so in love with each other that you can’t tell they are two individuals? Do you often also see couples who appear to be distant to the point that you wonder why they are together?
All humans identify with each other in various ways. Some individuals are extremely independent even when in a relationship, others are needy, and some are interdependent.
The most beneficial way for two people to connect with each other is to be genuinely interdependent. This is when two strong, independent individuals depend upon each other, yet sustain their individuality. They share a well-balanced relationship of togetherness and healthy dependence, without sacrificing or compromising on their own values. Unfortunately, this kind of relationships are rare to find, but, with some understanding and awareness, it is not impossible to achieve.
If you are reading this blog, you are likely an unrequited lover, wondering what is it that you’re doing wrong in the relationship. First I want you to understand that it’s not just you! In my blog “Ways to Handle Unrequited Love” I have written about how it is going to help you to sit and think about how it happened. Everything. How did you start falling for a person who you (probably) knew will not reciprocate your feeling? And if you did not know that you will be rejected, how did you misjudge the situation. What did you miss? See if you can find a pattern in your behaviour. Any kind of pattern – do you tend to fall in love with someone who doesn’t love you back? Do you like to be seen as a selfless lover, always giving and never demanding? Do you subconsciously set unachievable targets in matters of the heart?
Then you need to assess where you are right now. In unrequited love, mostly there is too much neediness (which can be a turn-off for your partner) or you feel that your partner is way too independent and doesn’t want to be with you. Rebalancing how you feel and relate is very important. Without it, both of you will always feel a disconnect. This is not a good way for two individuals to be together.
Analysing your behaviour can be really enlightening. Understand that your feelings are unrequited, you are in one-way love, when you have become so needy and dependent on your partner that you are not able to make important decisions alone, or are always whining about being left alone. Realise that this is turning to a parent-child like relationship for the other person, and unless you draw a line to it, this is probably going to damage the relationship.
While we talk about analysing yourself, you also need to see if your partner or beloved is really too independent. There is a chance that you are not even demanding too much of their time and attention. Maybe the partner or beloved just likes to be free and does not like to cling on in the relationship. Or maybe the relationship is not a romantic association of the other person to begin with!
If things look misbalanced, even when the two of you are legally or socially bound in a relationship, you need to give each other time to improve them. Discuss where the problem is and come to a mutual agreement. Both of you need to be on the same ground. When there is too much in one direction it will throw things off. Establishing reasons for being together and maintaining a healthy balance of interdependence will help the relationship bloom and will also let the two of you feel happy individually.
If the other person is not in love with you anymore, or never was, you are actually wasting your time in trying to sort things out. In this situation you need to accept the fact and move on. You don’t want to be an unrequited lover and hang on for no reason!
The basic requirement is to get clarity before setting out on an improvement trip. It is alright to discuss what you think is important for you in the relationship. If you are staying far away from each other, you will probably have different issues than what couples normally have. Each relationship is different and there are a lot of things couples can improve by discussing and understanding.
Please leave your experiences in the comments section and i will add them in my future blogs.